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# Re: Socialization

#### Message 02457 of 3835

- To: BardonPraxis@yahoogroups.com
- Subject: Re: Socialization
- From: "antiloop1111" <jasoncorell@...>
- Date: Sat, 17 Apr 2004 17:53:21 -0000
- In-reply-to: <c5rgat+igp9@eGroups.com>
- User-agent: eGroups-EW/0.82

    Hi Daniel,

    > Recently, there appeared a problem which I keep repeatedly
    > encountering. Whenever I am with a person who gets (for example)
    > angry at something, for whatever reason, I help them calm down and
    > relax. After that, they usually ask me if I think they did okay by
    > getting angry. I tell them that I see anger as a perfectly natural
    > reaction, especially in the situation they were in.

    I would argue that being angry is an *instinctual* reaction and so in
    that sense would be considered "natural", but not necessarily right,
    and certainly not the best reaction.

    Anger denotes a lack of wisdom. Wisdom is rooted in understanding.
    Therefore to be angry is to not possess right-understanding. There is
    a saying that goes: "The wiseman understands, and understanding he
    ceases from all bitterness and accusation".

    To express anger is to also externalize accusation and blame. So long
    as blame is exteriorized, opportunity for inner growth is missed. In
    any given situation that did not go well, all present share some
    blame, because all had a chance to improve the situation yet it did
    not. Lack of action or interaction is also not an excuse and does not
    remove one from blame.

    The next time your friend gets angry and externalizes blame, get them
    to try the following exercise: "Point out your index finger as if you
    were identifying the accused". Then ask your friend, "How many
    fingers are you pointing toward the accused?", and they will
    answer "1". Then suggest to them that chances are they haven't
    thought about the situation deeply enough and so have neglected to
    see their part of the blame. Next, get them to rotate their hand 180
    degrees clockwise (while still pointing out with the index finger),
    and then ask the question with a smile, "So how many fingers are
    pointing back at you?" ;-) (answer is 3).

    Anger also denotes a lack of self-control. Anger like compassion, and
    kindness is a human action. Humans always have a choice about the
    actions they perform. The problem is that acting instinctually
    bypasses that opportunity. To be fair, in an argument situation,
    there is often little time to contemplate things deeply, but surely
    it can be done after the fact and next time, you will have the right
    method of behaviour at your disposal when anger is about to over take
    you. At this time, you will also have run out of excuses to react in
    anger again.

    FYI, the initiate always seeks to become more human and less
    animalistic, so he finds himself becoming less instinctual and more
    in control of himself, his words and his actions.

    > Then, follows the problematic question: "do you think it would have
    > been better not to get angry?"

    I should also speak here about *perspective*. Often people get angry
    because someone approached them in an angry fashion, and their
    immediate reaction was to snap back in anger. The person (let's call
    him John) that snapped back in anger failed to see why they should
    actually be thankful to the other (Maria) and react with a smile
    instead of with anger. You see, Maria was really giving John an
    opportunity for John to work on his anger problem. Every human
    interaction is an opportunity for growth and change.

    One day I was watching an interview of the Dai Lai Lamma on TV by
    some North American news show. One of the questions that was asked
    was "Who's your greatest spiritual teacher?", to which the Dai Lai
    Lamma answered "Mau" (The 'bad' Chinese leader who ousted him and his
    people out of Tibet). I was shocked at the answer and so was the
    interviewer. "What?! How can he possibly be your greatest spiritual
    teacher after all the negative things he has done to you??". To which
    he began a long answer... "Without Mau, I would not have recognized
    that spirituality does not need a church or monastery or country to
    be practiced in, without Mau, Buddhism would not have spread to the
    Western world as quickly as it has because I would have still been
    quietly in Tibet going about my business, without Mau... etc".

    This is for me one of the keys as to Christ's reason for
    saying, "Love thy enemy"... because they will help you grow the most,
    and so how can you not be thankful and grateful for them? If you
    understand this, how can you act in anger again the next time you are
    confronted with it?!

    The reality is that very few of us are immune to acting in anger at
    one time or another to one degree or another. What needs to be
    focused on however, is how we can diminish and transform that anger.
    Ghandi said "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind". The
    same applies to anger and if humans are not careful it can spread
    like wildfire. The only reason the whole world is not angry at each
    other right now is because people like you CHOOSE to not act in anger
    when confronted with it, and so the anger stops spreading.

    John (your friend), already recognizes that anger is not right, which
    is why he questioned himself and asked for your opinion as a friend.
    Subconsciously, I'd say he actually values your demeanour. The
    problem is he is unable to understand why anger is not the right type
    of action, and until he understands this, his behaviour will not
    change. Again, without right-understanding anger can not be easily
    dealt with and transformed.

    > The same thing usually follows an event when I "should have" gotten
    > angry, but reacted in a completely different way.

    In my opinion anger is not something we should ever choose to do. It
    solves nothing, it gets us stressed out and everyone else around us.

    Being angry and expressing it towards other human beings is kind of
    like a psychically dumping your garbage on them. This behaviour is
    not acceptable in the physical sense, and neither should it be
    acceptable in the esoteric sense! Choa Kok Sui (a healing teacher)
    says in one of his books (paraphrase) "It would be nice if humanity
    were to recognize the human right of living in a psychologically
    hygienic society. If this were to happen, being angry would be
    considered rude and unhealthy and no longer acceptable human
    behaviour".

    >People find that the standards I've set for myself are unnaturally
    >high, and for some reason, they distance themselves from me because
    >of that.

    Their distancing themselves from you has likely more to do with their
    inability to understand your motives and perhaps even a slight
    jealousy (for you being more in control) than your standards being
    too high. Perhaps they aim high in their careers or in sports or
    elsewhere. Should you spite them because of that? Of course not, and
    as a friend you should encourage your friends to be the best they can
    be at whatever it is they choose, and you should be happy for them.

    If they choose to distance themselves from you when you are heading
    in a positive direction, then I would question what parts of them do
    you need in order to keep them as friends? Do not confuse the
    priority of your compassion for them, with your need continue
    growing. You always come first. By choosing to stay at their level of
    understanding, you are doing neither yourself a favour (because you
    are inhibiting your growth) nor them. Because you would be unable to
    help your friends and show them compassion and understanding to the
    same extent. People change, if your friends are unable to keep up, do
    not dismiss them completely, show understanding and compassion, but
    also look out for your emotional and psychological well being and
    make an effort to meet newer and more compatible friends with whom
    you can once more share your life experience without being looked
    down upon.

    > As much as social alienation is a price I am willing to pay for
    > Initiation, it's a price I firmly believe should not be on the
    > pricetag!

    Nobody said initiation was going to be easy. To me initiation is kind
    of like the Matrix movie. You get to choose between the blue pill
    (ignorance and suffering) and the red pill (given the opportunity to
    learn about truth and the greater reality). Once you've chosen the
    red pill, once you've gained certain amounts of understanding and
    realizations of truth (even if small ones at the beginning), it is
    very hard if not impossible to go back, because to do so is to choose
    to be ignorant, to continue to suffer and to not be honest with
    yourself...and that never feels good.

    Now I ask you, which is the bigger price to pay? Infinite cycles of
    reincarnation and suffering, or being less liked by some 'temporary'
    friends but making strides toward enlightenment and freedom?

    I will refer to my previous statement about making an effort to meet
    new people more in line with your spiritual endevours. They don't
    even have to be more spiritual, simply, less judgemental and more
    open-minded. But again, there is no need for extremes, you do not
    need to disconnect from these friends...in fact, they may help speed
    up your growth the fastest. Without hurdles, success just doesn't
    taste the same.

    > These people are my friends, and are close and dear to me. I can't
    > deceive them by acting out my old negative features, but as I
    > don't, they find it disturbing.. Is there anything I should change
    >in myself, that I oversighted in this whole thing?

    Yes, contemplate the situation a lot more, then change/transform
    yourself some more. The beauty of being compassionate is that like
    anger, it spreads like wildfire. It is hard to be angry at a person
    who is smiling with loving kindness. Darkness can not prevail in the
    presence of even the smallest light. Light a single match in the
    darkest of rooms and you will realize this truth.

    Take good care Daniel,
    antiloop1111

- Follow-Ups:
  - Re: Socialization
    - From: "David Yeh" <ldreamr@...>

- References:
  - Socialization
    - From: "Daniel Gutmanas" <noxerus@...>

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