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# Re: Socialization

#### Message 02458 of 3835

- To: BardonPraxis@yahoogroups.com
- Subject: Re: [BardonPraxis] Socialization
- From: Lidia Avseeva <lidia_av@...>
- Date: Sat, 17 Apr 2004 11:10:22 -0700 (PDT)
- In-reply-to: <c5rgat+igp9@eGroups.com>

    Dear Daniel,

    People normally distance themselves from the ones who are different from them.
    Friends are those who have quite a lot in common. If you change yourself
    significantly in the process of character transformation, and the
    friendsremember you as you were before the transformation, and they do not
    change, the common points between you and them will reduce.

    If you would like to keep the friendship, you do not need to imitate
    anger/other unwanted feelings against your conscious will, just to be *like
    them*. This alone is unlikely to make people distant from you. But when you
    begin to tell them about *negative emotions*, *transformation of emotions*
    etc.this is where they become disturbed and distanced. What happens is you push
    them towards changes in their character which they do not want. It is difficult
    to make a self-change in oneself provided consciousness and commitment. It is
    far more difficult to make changes in others when they want no change. They
    will simply resist and their resistance will result in them getting distant
    from you.

    So what you can do to keep the friendship is to behave up to your high
    standards and be tolerant to *negative emotions* of the friends. You may say
    'It's all right you get angry. This reflects your inner truth. Although my
    inner truth in this situation would be not to get angry.' In other words you
    can make people change only indirectly, by demonstrating high standards in your
    own behaviour.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Lidia

    Daniel Gutmanas <noxerus@...> wrote:
    Dear Friends,

    Recently, there appeared a problem which I keep repeatedly
    encountering. Whenever I am with a person who gets (for example)
    angry at something, for whatever reason, I help them calm down and
    relax. After that, they usually ask me if I think they did okay by
    getting angry. I tell them that I see anger as a perfectly natural
    reaction, especially in the situation they were in. Then, follows
    the problematic question: "do you think it would have been better
    not to get angry?"
    I cannot lie to them, and I tell them that I do believe that anger
    is a negative reaction, and it is better to be able to transform
    that anger, but in no way does it make their reaction less natural.
    After that, I usually get called "non-empathic, not-exactly-human-in-
    a-weird-way", etc. The same thing usually follows an event when
    I "should have" gotten angry, but reacted in a completely different
    way. People find that the standards I've set for myself are
    unnaturally high, and for some reason, they distance themselves from
    me because of that.

    As much as social alienation is a price I am willing to pay for
    Initiation, it's a price I firmly believe should not be on the
    pricetag!
    These people are my friends, and are close and dear to me. I can't
    deceive them by acting out my old negative features, but as I don't,
    they find it disturbing.. Is there anything I should change in
    myself, that I oversighted in this whole thing?

    I would very much appreciate any opinion, from anyone.

    Sincerely,
    Daniel Gutmanas

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    - From: "Daniel Gutmanas" <noxerus@...>

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