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# Re: Concerning an old post

#### Message 02091 of 3835

- To: BardonPraxis@yahoogroups.com
- Subject: Re: [BardonPraxis] Concerning an old post
- From: <dustovshio@...>
- Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 00:41:27 -0800 (PST)
- In-reply-to: <003601c3e1df$2f107470$1aa17fd8@ownerbqacdlzy6>

    > other words, damage to the violet cord specifically,
    > arises when the
    > experience rudely exceeds ones level of
    > understanding in an
    > out-of-control fashion.

    What are the consequeces of the damage to the cord?
    In my mind it would seperate the mental body from the
    physical somehow, and result in a lack of integration
    between bodies. I did some lsd a couple years ago,
    and sometimes I wonder if my mental body has mutated
    out of proportion to the other bodies. I seem to get
    stuck in this negate-negate mindset that I first
    started using after going into a weird lsd brain loop.
    However, I can't really say it was from the lsd,
    because it happened to some degree with other drugs.
    It must have just become exacerbated from my natural
    mental predilections. I think it could be hindering
    my progress because I constantly shrink my ego by this
    negating thought process when I am faced with the pain
    of my self importance. For example, today I called my
    girlfriend with the intention of wanting to see her
    before work. My interests were basically selfish, and
    after she denied me I felt quite a lot of pain from
    the burnout of my romantic expectations. Then I
    completely loathed my ego, and everytime an emotional
    idea poppped up like how I wanted to please this girl
    (out of my own self interest) I would detach from it
    and see my ego like a foreign installment, or
    parasite. This continued to the point where there was
    a calcination in the body. I went to work in sort of
    a neither state. Then I ran into a girl I dated
    months prior, and I acted very loveable and charming,
    but the whole time I was loathing the old ego that
    used to try to be "loveable and charming", and kept it
    from entering my mind. This sounds like madness, but
    I only feel sane when the selfish ego is mostly gone.
    As of late, I can maintain this better without the ego
    rebelling. But I'm afraid I'm losing the whole point
    of elemental balance, by becoming obsessed with my
    selfish ego and selfish sex instinct. When practicing
    IIH mental observation it makes the tendancy to negate
    the ego even stronger. It gets to the point where I
    am not really identified with my body and brain at
    all. This feels very liberating, because I am able to
    do things and say things the way I imagine my
    individual self would do them. Then my normal
    selfishness is even more painful. This forces me to
    shrink the ego again just in order to feel normal.
    What has happened is I have formed an inventory of
    good to bad experiences based on how much of my
    selfish sex instinct is present in any interaction.
    Is this a healthy pressure that forces you to change
    what normally would have felt comfortable, or is it
    some aberration that came from practicing A Coarse in
    Miracles and doing lsd? I am at the point where I
    don't even want to call my girlfriend unless my ego is
    somewhat gone, because I always seem to hurt myself by
    "wanting" her. "But then is this my ego that is
    "wanting" to have a special technique to meet every
    situation?" "s this reflective process itself
    dispersive?" "When should it stop?" That's how the
    internal dialog goes. On the other hand, when it is
    gone I feel a non-passionate love that seems to be
    much more powerful and less sticky. It even seems as
    though the old sex instinct is fulfilled and
    completed. Do I need to let go of this cycle, or
    deepen the amount of time that can be lived in a
    non-attached state? What seems to happen is I use A
    Coarse in Miracles for a while, untill I get to this
    point where I am going on a roller coaster of non-ego
    and extreme ego states. Then I give up the coarse,
    restart Bardon, and eventually get drawn back to ACIM.
    I feel like I am using Bardon in order to not get off
    balance in ACIM. ACIM provides a stimulation of light
    by identifying only with the light. I am thinking
    that it draws on the light of Tiphareth and focuses
    this into the mundane actions so they are seen
    differently. Will this assist with the work of
    elemental equilibrium or weaken the will with the idea
    that work isn't necessary to make change. Coming back
    to the subject of work, this whole operation was
    rooted with my predilections, became exacerbated with
    the drugs, and seems to be working positively now,
    except in my ability to work and study in the mudane
    world! I am trying to see the whole picture, but it
    is hard for me to tell how far I am off balance. My
    mundane circumstances haven't really changed, except
    that I am able to connect with people easilly by
    applying ACIM. But this probably could have be
    accomplished just the same by another practice, or
    even by just trying hard in the mundane sense.
    Mentally I have advanced far, but I am now wondering
    if the lsd could have caused this. I can't deny that
    I am much more happy, but it may be because when
    things aren't meeting my self-concept of what I should
    accomplish, I don't feel any pain. My old self-concept
    of who I should be in the working world was mostly
    selfish, so that may be why I don't have the same
    motivation I used to. Maybe it's the lsd. Mentally
    it seems impossible to be motivated in the old way.
    Should I try to go back to the pleasure-pain ego
    response for this stage of IIH, or just concentrate on
    sublimating my sex instinct while using spiritual will
    to accomplish work in the world?

    Sincerly,
    Dustin

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- References:
  - Re: Concerning an old post
    - From: "Rawn Clark" <rawnclark@...>

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