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# Re: Socialization

#### Message 02463 of 3835

- To: BardonPraxis@yahoogroups.com
- Subject: Re: Socialization
- From: "David Yeh" <ldreamr@...>
- Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 21:46:28 -0000
- In-reply-to: <c5rquh+24u3@eGroups.com>
- User-agent: eGroups-EW/0.82

    Hi,

    I have a few thoughts.

    My view is that when someone asks if something they did or felt was
    okay, they are looking for one of two things: Either they are in need
    of validation and affirmation, or they are looking for a solution to
    their problem. (The stereotypical difference between the way women
    and men relate.)

    If they're looking for one of those things and you provide the other,
    then chances are, they will be frustrated with you.

    Of course, a lot of the time someone might *seem* to be asking for a
    solution when they are really asking for validation. The ego can be
    tricky.

    At any rate, I've always found that telling someone something that
    they don't want to hear, even if (or especially if) I believe I am
    more right than they are, always backfires. I am very much against
    any kind of heavy-handed advice-giving on anyone's part. (I know you
    already said that you don't give advice unless asked, but let me rant
    here. ;) ) I myself have a tendency to want to control other people's
    feelings for various reasons (e.g. because I am uncomfortable with
    anger). This expresses itself in me doing things such as telling
    other people "better" ways to handle things, which tends to backfire
    on me and cause hurt. So right here is an area that requires soul
    mirror work, for me.

    Far better, I think, to find ways to encourage the person to seek
    his/her own answers and to claim more personal power for themselves;
    and in the meantime, better yourself and offer an example -- for
    instance, by letting them see when you *are* angry, or that you felt
    angry at a certain point but then worked through it in so-and-so a
    way. Or by sitting down with them and expressing to them other
    feelings, like how you feel frustrated when they accept your lack of
    anger at face value. By having the process modeled to them instead
    of lectured at them, and handing them responsibility to pick it up
    (or not), not only is the pressure off but the relationship has
    deepened.

    And in the meantime, if you are asked your opinion, you could always
    try reflecting it back to them, asking them if *they* felt like they
    were wrong for becoming angry. Staying with the feeling, and not
    with any judgments; creating a space for them to be with the feeling
    instead of immediately having to decide whether it is right or wrong.

    Further, in my humble opinion, there are a lot of different levels to
    anger, and I don't believe that it is wholly negative. In fact, I
    don't believe it is negative at all. Anger simply *is.* Like all
    feelings, it is feedback. It tells you something about yourself. It
    comes from ego-identification, fear, and pain. In my experience, you
    can block off the anger, but until you come to terms with and heal
    from the originating pain, the anger will come up again. So, I
    disagree with the idea that anger is negative; in fact, particularly
    for individuals who have learned to fear the power of anger (and some
    of these people are the most physically violent individuals there
    are), it can be healthy and empowering to experience their anger. I
    believe that it is only through repressing or avoiding the anger that
    causes much violence.

    Now that is not to say that I support all *expressions* of anger.
    Here I think I have learned a great deal from the first mental
    exercise, observing without interfering. When I observe my own
    anger, it feels so incredibly painful, like being seared with hot
    flame, that I want to direct it somewhere. I want to control it and
    do *something* with it, so that it doesn't hurt as much. So this is
    when I tend to want to actually *avoid* the intensity of my anger and
    take it out on someone or something -- by yelling or attacking or
    being violent. True courage is to feel that pain and penetrate into
    it, into the fear and pain and death that threatens.

    So in this sense it *can be* ineffective to express anger --
    depending on the context and the intent.

    I think true choice can only occur if you are free from all of that
    underlying stuff. Otherwise you are simply "choosing" not to express
    symptomatic anger. Indeed, I have found that by expressing my anger
    (in a safe environment) I come to greater insight and self-knowledge
    and subsequently am able to handle my anger better. It is a more
    indirect but more effective route in the long-term, in my opinion.

    All of this being said ... It's also important to recognize lack of
    differentiation in your relationships. If people are asking you to
    behave in ways that are contrary to who you are, and they take it
    personally when you don't, then that is their responsibility. Firm,
    healthy boundaries should be maintained. But of course that is up to
    you to perceive and figure out.

    And by the way, I think relationships are a fantastic medium in which
    to pursue character transformation. Deep-rooted issues such as anger
    and its many heads just come up so much more quickly. How come it's
    not mentioned as one of the paths to enlightenment? :)

    I know I rambled a lot, but this is a topic that I feel a lot about.
    Hope something in there helps.

    David

- Follow-Ups:
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    - From: "Daniel Gutmanas" <noxerus@...>

- References:
  - Re: Socialization
    - From: "antiloop1111" <jasoncorell@...>

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